"Remarriage: Hope & Redemption" - Family Unity & Professional Counseling

We are wrapping up our series on Christian Remarriage, and we're going out with a bang! Listen as we share from our own personal experiences: tools for creating stability at home, the need for creating boundaries, and why professional and pastoral guidance are invaluable necessities.

We cannot stress it enough: God loves you! God forgives you! And God wants you to live victoriously by His grace, mercy and peace! Amen!

Transcript

welcome to the Churchosity podcast if you're looking for a place to have fun and edifying conversations about church culture then you have landed in the right [Music]

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what's up everybody my name is Heath Brady and I'm Andrea Brady and we are your Churchosity podcast Personnel coming at you one more time I know on this fabulous day this spring day yep spring is here finally although it doesn't feel like it well it's a little warmer I must say what two degre a little bit and there's flowers out there oh yes the flowers I saw in the news the other day I think I think it was in Colorado they were getting snow like feet of snow I know I I saw that too note to self never live in Colorado oh sorry about that all you Colorado listeners you must love it though you know yeah a lot of people love the snow that's that's true so I don't have a particular affinity for it but I don't hate it no I think it's pretty I just can't imagine having snow in

March but that's just me yeah we've had Easter snow before haven't we I think so yeah yeah I know that there like I remember one year this is going back like 10 15 years ago it's snowed on May 2nd oh my I remember that yeah it can happen almost yeah and it has snowed on my birthday before that's true so that's pretty rare well Andy yeah aside from the weather report how the heck are you I'm good you're good yeah you know as a

Lutheran now I really enjoy uh uh celebrating lent yes you know so many years we were non-denominational and they don't really do that a lot of churches don't do that and uh I was feel like I was missing out me too yeah it's beautiful and I really enjoy it yeah lent was really beautiful this year especially mhm we got introduced to the Holden's prayer yep which is absolutely phenomenal and if you've never heard of this um Andy didn't you say that you can find like versions of it on YouTube yeah you can see um it's like a singing hym like prayer it's really beautiful you can YouTube it Holden h o l d e n yeah and it's got different movements so it's it's a liturgical type of setup M but it's just gorgeous yeah so we had that um every Wednesday during Lent mhm and uh the soups oh yeah before yeah we had soup supper so and now we're in holy week so it's really cool yeah yep Easter's coming Easter's coming yeah good Friday's coming up soon makes me think of the infamous Tony Campolo and his famous sermon it's Friday but Sundays are coming oh yeah oh boy it's Friday with the are coming with a little handshake yeah that Craig Finley picked up isn't that awesome Yep hey honey how are you doing I am Fantastical uh-oh I am Fantastical yes okay life is good all right there are exciting things happening okay and I know that I keep teasing that with our Le listening audience but just be patient and trust me when I say that there's there's going to be a day not too long from now where we have a very cool announcement to make okay but um I'm just really enjoying the process of Watching God work and it's it's really cool yeah it is cool so exciting things are coming okay very exciting things are coming nice so are you looking forward to continuing and finishing our conversation about remarriage yep on this episode yeah we're going to wrap this up wrap it up wrap it up yep have you I mean really we there could be an entire podcast about this could just keep going yeah but um you know we got to stop somewhere we do have you been enjoying our conversation I think it's been helpful it's a little triggering a little bit um it was I think it was Brave of us to talk about this in the to to begin with MH I mean we've had mostly positive feedback we have had some haters yes but um you know we delete those people haters going to hate hate hate hate hate hate cuz you know everybody's got an opinion yep and uh I like to think about Luke 18 when um Jesus was telling the parable about the Pharisee Luke 18:9 and he also told this Parable to some people who trusted in themselves that they were righteous and viewed others with contempt two men went up to the temple to pray one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector the Pharisees stood and was praying this to himself God I thank you that I'm not like other people swindlers unjust adulterers um you know you could even add remarried or even like this tax collector I fast twice a week I pay tithes of all that I get but the tax collector standing some distance away was was even unwilling to lift up his eyes to heaven but was beating his breast saying God be merciful to me The Sinner I tell you this man went to his house Justified rather than the other for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled but he who humbles himself will be exalted and I think that people who have um gone through the ringer of divorce and navigating the difficult Waters of remarriage need God's grace and they're reminded of it practically every single day mhm if you don't have that in your life if that's not um your demographic Praise Jesus and thank him but don't point fingers and don't um forget that God's grace extends to all and nobody's perfect things happen in life so you know like we say if you're still breathing God has a plan for you Amen to that even for us lowly tax

collectors I mean Matthew was a tax collector remember that's what I'm saying yeah so I just wanted to start off by talking about that just a little bit and uh that's why we did this series and it's not easy right and that's why they're so underserved in the church as um you know by and large I think there aren't a lot of people willing to talk about it yes so but we're certainly willing yep and I feel like even though the majority of the feedback we have received has been positive even with those handful of haters it just proves that it's a conversation that's very necessary to have yeah and I think that those verses you read Andy are a great way to kick off the remainder of our conversation mhm but before we dive into our conversation we just want to quickly remind you to give us a rating and leave us a review and we also want to encourage all of you to check out our website go to church.com to find the home of all things Churchosity not just our episodes but we've also got blogs and a really cool survey that we'd love you to fill out so go to Churchosity.com give it a gander hang out for a while and enjoy

[Music] enjoy well thus far we have completed three fifths of the journey in this series on Christian remarriages M uh we've been talking about the five keys to successful Christian marriage and we've tackled the first three the first one was forgiveness and Grace the second one was communication with love cuz you can communicate all you want to but without love you're that noisy gong right right and then on our previous episode we discussed having a renewed hope having that shared spiritual foundation with each other M so on this episode we are going to handle the remaining two keys to success successful Christian marriage so first let's talk about prioritizing family unity all right and the that's fun the biblical approach to that yeah it's no secret that remarriage often involves the blending of families MH it's not always the case but more often than not there are kids involved so especially because there are kids involved it's crucial to prioritize family unity and I think that Romans 12: 18 is a really good launching pad for this conversation Romans 12:18 says that if possible so far as it depends on you be at peace with all men so Andy when we look at that verse what might be some ideas that come to mind on what that might look like or why that would be important um well because you're dealing with what we like to call the others that would be the the other parent that you're no longer married to correct um and their family and their family mhm so um that can be really challenging because usually when you're divorced it's because you can't get along or there's issues and you have baggage that come along with everything right so um figuring out a way to get along and be unified is very difficult and I would say that you definitely need Scripture you know you need to establish a sense of unity and mutual respect among the children and the other family um in order to create a stable environment M you really need Scripture too to lean on and to help guide you and how to behave and how to talk and what you you know you kind of need to measure your attitude against scripture all the time mhm I would say that this part of the remarried Dynamic mhm is probably something that wasn't done well in the previous marriage yeah you know the the solidification and prioritizing of family Unity because as you said in the previous marriage there was a a Schism somewhere right there was a there was something was broken MH and it it just chisled away and chisled away and and whatever that might look like right right so when you enter into a remarriage context especially if there's children now there is an undertaking of getting right this time what wasn't gotten right the previous time mhm and so having you know like we call it home team yeah you know we we established very early on that yes there there are the others there is baggage there are bruises there's insecurities but underneath this roof this is our home team this is our Fortress of Solitude we do life as a unit and that's a priority right and that includes family activities family traditions anything that strengthens the bond between home team right because I I think that especially for the kids it's very very necessary for them to feel respected as well because as we've mentioned before they're going through their own set of insecurities and Brokenness because of the failed previous marriage coming into a new marriage situation mhm and they they want to not only be able to trust the new parent Dynamic that they're having in your home but they want to be trusted as well right it's it it literally is a unit mhm and I think that the more that their feelings and their thoughts and their perspectives are considered the the greater likelihood of elevating that sense of security and mutual respect with everyone especially the kids yeah I mean we know that Christian remarriage often involves Blended families yes it does and as you mentioned Andy it creates a very unique set of challenges and opportunities so Andy let's explore the importance of prioritizing family unity in the context of remarriage and maybe even talk about how to create a strong cohesive family all right well first I want to say if you don't have a p family pastor or a counselor that you're Consulting with go now and find one go now cuz spoiler alert the fifth key to a successful Christian remarriage is having a counselor yeah professional help it's not like we're going to sit here and discuss uh counseling at at length here on this episode but well we're not counselors yes we're not we don't do anything in the medical field whatsoever but we want to push you and actually I think from episode one I started talking about the fifth key already because you just you if you don't have one yet go cuz you need one you really do just bite the bullet find someone that you can sit down and talk with ideally weekly I know that sounds like a lot but if you're if you haven't done this before you need the tools in your toolbx M to be able to successfully navigate and the longer you wait you know you'll be playing damage control I mean you just need to go well and and you said something interesting that having a weekly appointment seems like a lot yeah but a lot can happen in a week yeah I mean at least at first sure try to go weekly at first until you get some tools in your toolbox and you learn how to use your tools and you start successfully navigating the Waters of remarriage by you know as a couple yeah you you really need guidance um it's I wouldn't recommend trying to do it all all all on your own no like I I like how you said bite the bullet because I think that us trying to do I mean there as Christians we try to do our Christian walk on our own and and we discuss that a lot as well but in in a remarriage context don't let your pride deter you from getting help yeah and and we'll we'll unpack that a little bit more in a few minutes but Andy yeah uh why don't we share some of like our favorite tools okay that that we were given by our counselor and pastors and and kind of how we employed them and whether they were beneficial or not okay you want to go first or you want me to go first well I'll start okay I think that for me the concept of setting boundaries mhm was a foreign idea cuz when I first heard that phrase I didn't even know what that meant I'd never heard it before or if I had heard it I didn't really understand what that would even look like practically speaking mhm to me a setting a boundary means you are proactive and you tell the other person that you're dealing with what you're willing to accept and not accept right like you're upfront it's kind of like telling the children what the rules are and what the consequences will be if they break the rules mhm but like as an adult it's called setting boundaries right so like for example say your ex drops off the children on the front porch on Sunday night or whatever and they want to stand there at the door and talk to you about business you know things that family business family business right a boundary could be hey when the kids come back home to me I needed to just be hi did you have fun okay okay great see you later it's not an opportunity to talk to me about business because there's a transition happening and that's hard enough to deal with then also having to have your mind in another place dealing with your ex yeah I think it's really this is a really important boundary that you're bringing up that drop off and pickup are not opportunities to discuss business right those are those are transition moments right so like for example you could make a boundary like I mean I know it sounds tough but you could say something like hey you know I need to set a boundary with you like when you drop off the children and at the front door you know it's just a high and goodbye kind of thing and we'll be friendly to one another it's not an opportunity to talk about business if you want to send me an email or call me like the next day you know we could talk but don't don't come up to the porch at drop off and expect to have a conversation or out to the driveway yeah and then you know if they don't resp just you can say what the consequence could be you could say look if you if you continue to do that I'm going to have my spouse open the door and they can handle you or you can like tell them to get out of the car and you can't even come up to the front door I mean I know that sounds harsh but you know but you're talking about something that's really important Andy I know I mean it like you said it's hard enough the transition from you know the time with the the kids are with the others back under your roof or vice versa if you're the visitation parent what's difficult is that you know ideally you want to have your um the others play long you want them to be respectful of your boundaries you want them to you know want what's best for the kids and not be continuously pushing their agenda MH and sometimes that doesn't happen and so it's hard like I mean not everybody's ex is going to be like oh yeah you're right that sounds like a good idea and then what do you do after that it's just really frustrating you know I get it and um as much as you want to to um rely on Romans

12:18 it it it's really hard especially if the other person is pushing your buttons on purpose and they don't want to play along and they don't care about unity and they just want to you know get a rise out of you and ruin your day yeah what happens when you run out of all that is within you to be at peace yeah it's hard I know so I mean but setting those boundaries MH protects you and your mental health and your children because when they come back to you you want to be available to them emotionally and mentally so that you can um welcome them home and that all that looks different for every situation too that that coming back home thing yeah so that's one tool in my toolbox is learning how to set boundaries and what that might look like um that was just one example of men that you'll probably have to set and notice that we're not saying that setting boundaries means cutting people out no cuz that is not a boundary boundaries are there to continue the relationship yeah you set a boundary with someone because you want to maintain the relationship and you want to explain to the person what they need to do to make that happen mhm success and then on the flip side you can also demonstrate those boundaries of your own back to them mhm you know you don't create opportunities to have business conversations either right you know that kind of a thing you know Practice What You Preach essentially yeah yeah for for me one of the most valuable tools that I got from the counselor was the simple cell analogy oh yeah he drew he he drew the circle on a piece of paper with a whole bunch of pluses and minuses in it and he was talking about how a cell works you know like like a cell a microscopic organism a cell right and that each cell has this membrane around it but it's got this little like trap door that opens and closes and opens and closes yes and on the inside of the cell the the positive charges every time that trap door opens M it Boots the negative out and then the trap door closes and then the positive charges set up like a a barrier around that trap door so that every time it opens the negative can't come back in and so it's just this constant process of every negative charge that is created inside the cell the positive charges are expelling them and then keeping them out mhm and he equated that to the family Unity the family family bond that that all of those things that contribute to negativity in your family unit in your home in your relationships with one another you get rid of it and you set up boundaries you set up you know support systems whatever it might take not that there's never going to be another negative thing but when those negative things pop up the stronger home team is the more positive energy there is to get rid of or deal with the negative as a team mhm and I just loved that so much like we used to say things like whatever is fun that's what we're doing no more drama for Daddy and Mama yeah we were going to have a sign made above our front door hanging above the front door no more drama for Daddy and Mama that's right

yeah well you know if you aren't working on cultivating your spiritual life together go now and do that that's right because you need to have the words of Christ richly dwelling within you Allah Colossians 3 m to be able to create the strong loving family despite the broken families and any strained relationships true what does that look like being in the word on a daily basis yeah we discussed it in our last episode that that's a process to get to yeah but you know if the kids see or know or hear you doing it mhm man it speaks volumes yeah it really does you really need to get to the place where you can love even in the face of someone who's not loving you back and what that might look like is you know your child comes home and you know that they love being over at your ex's house and you encourage that you know yes you be you be a cheerleader for that relationship yes being a cheerleader for your child's relationship with the other parent is important even if you know maybe you guys aren't getting along MH or um you know you don't badmouth the other parent you don't talk about the reasons why um until they're old enough to completely understand and want to know the the answers to those questions mhm um and even then a watered down version is best yeah because it's important for them to still love that other parent yep you know and and respect them and respect them

yes and how do we do that Jesus right because the human n our human nature doesn't want to do that our human nature is constantly at battle and uh things rub us the wrong way we get jealous we get mad you know the kid comes home with a new expensive toy and you're like you know you want to rip your hair out and you're maybe you're jealous or that parent wants to take the other your kid on a vacation to an expensive place and you're sitting there grumbling oh they never want to do that when we were married you know that kind of stuff um but you got to get rid of that it it's natural you got to be in the word you got to be praying you know you have to rely on Jesus like every single day so heavily relying on Jesus to obtain the Eternal perspective and do what's right and do what's best for your children and for yourself too cuz letting go of all of that kind of stuff is so freeing you know because when your kids are grown and they look back they're going to know hey you know Mom or Dad they loved us and maybe you know they didn't buy us the fanciest toy or maybe you know things weren't always great but I know that they always wanted and were trying hard you know and they loved Jesus and they did the best that they could mhm I mean wouldn't isn't that what every parent kind of wants them their kids to say about them yeah you know they don't want their kid looking back and thinking man every time time I came home excited to show my mom or my dad something or talk to them about what happened over the weekend they were just so grumpy and they hated it and it made it so I never wanted to talk to them about you know that other part of my life yeah it's depressing yep I think that also like when you have like whether you're whether you are the visitation parent or the residential parent those days or nights where you are kidless yeah those are great opportunities for you as a new marri remarried couple to go on dates and spend time in the word like deal uh aggressively and offensively with all of those negative energies if you will yeah while the kids are away because that also gets your head screwed on you know the right way for when the kids come back right and it makes it easier and easier and easier for that transition time as well and I think that constantly demonstrating that you are a cheerleader for the kids's relationship with the other parent goes a long way I think so too because essentially getting to the place where what happened between you and your previous spouse happened but we are going to love the kids and get along for their sake mhm that is like so crucial and I know it's not easy not every single situation is a walk in the park with this we get that trust us been there done that bought the shirt you know what I'm saying right but along those lines Andy we should dive into some co-parenting Dynamics ooh because in Blended families uhhuh co-parenting can be a complex day especially if you're uncoordinated at it because it involves both biological parents and the stepparents so it can be a challenge learning how to balance Authority discipline and parenting Styles yeah well first I think you need to make an intentional effort to build trust and understanding among all family members yep but also establishing clear expectations and boundaries and that's what we've been talking about yeah mhm an early goal to reach for is to have clear communication channels and consistent rules yeah because those help mitigate conflicts arising from the different parenting approaches hopefully there's a parenting plan in place because at the end of the day and I I can't tell you the number of of times that I have actually counseled people in this at the end of the day you let your paperwork do its job right because if there's a conflict you go back to the you go back to the paperwork right and and Andy I don't normally speak for you but I think I can speak for you this time yeah you and I are huge advocates for saying that the paperwork is like ground floor oh yeah and like elaborating and going off script from that parenting plan really is the goal M to be able to have such a great channel of communication and co-parenting with the other spouse there's there's so much more allowance like like if you're the visiting parent and it's not your night to have the kids but there's like a concert coming up and you'd really love to take your kid to the concert and it's not on one of your days right picking up the phone long in advance and saying hey there's this thing would it be cool if blah blah blah blah blah now if you've got this atmosphere of respect and clear communication even if there's completely different parenting approaches between the two of you mhm you're on the same page and there's a mutual respect going on you're comfortable enough then to say sure go have fun that sounds awesome right I mean that's the goal yeah that's the goal but that doesn't always happen no and it doesn't always work that way and fortunately especially if there is paperwork that is your highest paid employee if you will it does all of the work for you it does seriously and you don't and you don't have to argue you don't have to get you know upset you don't have to do any all you have to do is say check the parenting plan right but remember that road goes both both ways too yep that's true so you can't wield that like a sword or something against the other parent right cuz you're held accountable to the same paperwork too so just keep that in mind MH Andy I think that you had some verses that you wanted to read yeah I mean earlier we referenced Romans 12 so I thought we should read it more in context and um starting with verse 14 bless those who persecute you bless and do not curse Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep be of the same mind toward one another do not be hotty in mind but associate with the lowly do not be wise in your own estimation never pay back evil for evil to anyone respect what is right in the sight of all men if possible so far as it depends on you be at peace with all men never never take your own Revenge beloved but leave room for the wrath of God for it is written vengeance is mine I will repay says the Lord if your enemy is hungry feed him if he is thirsty give him a drink for in doing so you'll heat burning coals on his head sorry do not be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good I mean that shouldn't be your goal to Heap burning coals on the head but you know the the the principle is there yeah not to take your own revenge and to be at peace with all men because it can come down to you know just letting God be in control I mean he is in control anyway we're fools if we think we're in control you know we're not right right but those are really good verses to cling to it can be hard yeah we have to always try to take the high road mhm you know even if the others are persecuting you yeah um I remember the very first time I said no to the other grandparents and it's like war was on like I said no to something and they definitely were not used to me ever saying no mhm that was not something I ever did in my previous life and they did not like that at one bit and you know things were never the same afterward right and it was sad I mean really really sad I even tried to explain why I said no but they weren't listening they weren't having it they were all about their agenda mhm and that's when you go back to the parenting plan yeah and that's when you go back to the the tools of the simple cell the tool of setting boundaries yeah um I mean you can't always get along with everyone even you know if you set a boundary and say no to something you can't control how other people are going to act mhm and I was always I feel like I was always trying to be fair but you know Fair fa Ness wasn't afforded to me yeah so remembering that God is watching he he's watching just remember that yeah he can help you yep and sometimes that meant I had to answer the door yes exactly and again we're talking about you know how important counseling does help with that yeah seeking professional help is very crucial it's kind of like the underlying thing in all of these key points mhm but ideally you know it'd be nice to have you know your Baseline which is your parenting plan to have an open communication with the other family the other parent um the other grandparents and um mutual respect you know you have your boundaries they want to play along for the sake of the children they want to do what's right and I mean that's ideal yes some people I mean I know some people have birthday parties where the others are invited they have holidays where the others are invited and I think that that's awesome yeah if that's a possibility some people it's totally not a possibility but it would be really awesome and if that is um that could be a goal but you know could be unrealistic yeah and and when those things are not a possibility what is possible is that your heart can be right before Jesus right and that your relationship between your new spouse can be in a right standing and what goes on under your roof can be solidified by home team that's right and just keep at it understand and appreciate this doesn't you don't just snap your fingers and all of this all the Ducks are in a row these are things you have to work at and so that's why we strenuously suggest that counseling yeah have counseling as a major part of your life it does help it makes me think of Proverbs 15:22 that advises plans fail for lack of counsel but with many advisors they succeed it's important to remember that a trained counselor can provide valuable insights helping couples navigate challenges and providing tools for a strong and resilient marriage right and we've just named a few yeah but just being able to sit in a space with a counselor M and let them do what they do which is to listen and to give counsel and help and assist and Andy you and I were blessed to have a Christian counselor right because even though it wasn't a religious appointment by any stretch of the imagination we knew that our counselor was doing major carpet time for our situation yeah which means prayer prayer yeah absolutely and that meant a lot yeah that meant a lot it did so REM married couples can intentionally build a cohesive family unit characterized by mutual respect shared values and a commitment to facing challenges together by nurturing family Unity couples create a loving and supportive environment that reflects the transformative power of God's grace within their remarried family you know one of my favorite ways that we demonstrated how important family Unity was going to be to us was at our wedding oh yeah because we included the kids during the the blending part of the ceremony right you know how most marriages they do something like a Unity candle or blending of the Sands or do they do stuff with stones or whatever M we did a blending of the Sands and we literally like used that metaphor for our whole family M and we had the kids participate and so we put on display for everyone who was in attendance at our wedding that our marriage wasn't just the two of us right it was all of us mhm and that they are God's gifts to us and they are included right and that was kind of like the Baseline for us moving forward with with our home team you know I know I remember that was so cool for a lot of people they still talk about it to this day that that was their favorite part of our wedding a yeah it was pretty it was pretty intense yeah it was pretty powerful yeah totally well in conclusion Christian remarriage is an opportunity for Redemption growth and Lasting Love it's important to remember that we need to embrace forgiveness communicate with love establish a shared spiritual foundation and prioritize family unity all along with seeking professional guidance from a counselor or a trusted pastor we can't say that enough right it can be challenging but couples can build a solid foundation for a successful and fulfilling remarriage so as couples embark on this journey have the confidence knowing that the lord loves you that the Lord forgives you you and that the Lord wants you to live the rest of your life serving him with all you've got so seek him and his principles and he will sustain you and strengthen your union amen and that's all we have to say about that thank you for listening to the Churchosity podcast please don't forget to give us a rating and leave us a review because your ratings and your reviews not only Help popularize Churchosity but also make us a heck of a lot easier for other people to find us over to you Andy be sure to check out our website Churchosity.com there you can follow us on the socials become a church oity patreon and drop us a message and give us your feedback because we'd really love to hear from you and don't forget to spread the word about the Churchosity podcast by just simply telling a friend to tell a friend what we're doing here here yeah let them be a part of the conversation too but always remember that just as it says in 1 Timothy 1: 5 that the goal of our instruction Is Love from a pure heart and from a good conscience and a sincere Faith so we thank each and every one of you again for listening and we look forward to catching you all on the next episode of Churchosity podcast peace

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