"Remarriage: Hope & Redemption" - Introduction

It's the beginning of probably the most serious conversation we've ever had on the podcast, and one that's been a long time coming. We open with some rather transparent opinions, level off by sharing five key points we'll be covering in this series, and land happily with a remarkable word of promise: Jesus Christ loves YOU!

Whether you have been divorced and remarried, are about to be remarried, or know someone who is experiencing either of these, we encourage you to listen and find hope. The past is the past, and as long as you are breathing, Christ has purpose for you.

Transcript

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what's up everybody Welcome to the Churchosity podcast if you're looking for a place to have fun and edifying conversations about church culture then you have landed in the right spot my name is Heath Brady and I'm Andrea Brady and we are your Churchosity podcast Personnel coming atcha coming atcha absolutely

still bringing this high quality content for the people yep so Andy Yes dear how are you doing I'm doing good I'm excited about our series that we're going to start yes on remarriage remarriage this has been something we've been thinking about doing for a while and I think that the time has come I I think I would agree with you yeah we have been kind of sitting on this for couple of years at least why is that I think it's just all about timing yeah and finally reaching the place where we realize that podcasts are kind of Airwaves Anarchy meaning we can talk about whatever we want to talk about it's true I mean I'm excited to talk about it but I'm also a little scared why are you scared I'm just nervous I guess just because I don't want to say something and I'm afraid that you know being judged I guess but you know when God calls us to minister to other people we are to draw from our life experiences and hopefully minister to people who are going through or have gone through the same kinds of things yes I mean you and I are both obviously divorced and remarried and when we were going through it we kind of went through it together we didn't really have anyone else to rely on yeah the church seriously fell short of helping or supporting or encouraging or anything well we're definitely going to have a lot to say about all of that yeah but before we dive into our conversation we want to remind all of you to give us a rating and leave us a review because your ratings and your reviews not only help popularize churchosity but also make us a heck of a lot easier for other people to find us and we especially want to encourage you all to check out our website Church o.com is the home for all things Churchosity give it a gander hang out for a while and enjoy on our website we have a survey and we are asking people to please go to our website check out our survey give us some information cuz we would really love to hear from you and hear your ideas and things that you'd like for us to talk about

absolutely so honey why are we doing this series why are we doing this series this a hard topic of remarriage yeah well I think the number one reason why we are doing this series why we are having this conversation and it's going to be a long one is because and you know Andy normally I don't speak for you but I think I can speak for you this time we believe that the community of remarried and blended family individuals in our church culture is a demographic that not only is greater than we actually think it is but it's also incredibly underserved yeah we're not here to say that we've cornered the Market on serving this demographic but because you and I essentially belong to this demographic I kind of feel like we've been looking to the East and to the west and seeing for ourselves over the last 13 years that this is a particular demographic that is horribly underserved yeah at least that's that's the way that we have seen it yeah I totally agree I think there are a lot of people in our churches that are remarried but are hiding yes they're flying under the radar because they're afraid or they don't want to um draw attention to themselves why do you think that is cuz it's a taboo subject mhm nobody wants to talk about it nobody talks about it I think that a lot of people think that talking about it means that you're endorsing divorce yeah or that if we actually embrace race and take care of the people who are remarried in our churches that it would encourage other people to get divorced yeah I I I think that I think you're on to something there I think that church leaders tend to shy away from serving this particular demographic because they don't want to be responsible for what may be perceived possibly as endorsing the divorce mhmh and yet here's here's what's crazy what and we're going to unpack this like really in a deep diving kind of way as we go through these episodes but scripture does give allowance for divorce mhm like if we're talking just cutting dry black and white there's two undoubtedly good reasons that are sanctioned for divorce one of them being infidelity mhm and the other one being abandonment okay and what's interesting is that as a and again I've been a Christian for a long time I've been in Ministry for a long time it's safe for me to look at the situation from my own assessment as well as my co- laborers in Christ and the conversations that I have been engaged in over the Decades of ministry that when it comes to Christians getting divorced there's obviously those who get divorced because there's unfaithfulness in the marriage mhm and it would seem that all of the other reasons why Christians get divorced all kind of fall under that umbrella of Abandonment right because abandonment doesn't just mean someone cut and left they went out for ice cream and never came back exactly right it's also the emotional abandonment it's the spiritual abandonment it's it's the decision that one spouse definitively makes where they are just no longer committed mhm on any level MH you know they're they're no longer committed 100% to Growing together as a couple with the other spouse right and to one degree to one extent or the other the spouse who's receiving that Abandonment for lack of a better term tolerates it right and eventually they're like okay I can't do this anymore so the point I'm trying to make is is that I have found and I and I can't speak for every single person in Ministry but but for me and the people that I have C- labored with in Ministry for three decades what we what has been found is that virtually every single quote unquote divorce has been legit okay the problem is the problem that we have found is that if it's not infidelity that is the reason for the divorce then oh we're not going to speak about it and and there's this culture that surrounds this whole divorced community and this isn't a series about divorce but let's face it let's be honest remarriage starts with divorce what what makes me sad is that I would think that especially when a Christian brother or sister is really going through the serious crap of a falling apart or failing marriage that the church isn't there right well well and here's my problem cuz this series is about remarriage mhm so once you have a couple who is remarried it's none of our business what the purpose or the reasons were behind their previous Life As We like to call it of the divorces they're remarried and from this point on they should be looking toward well as a church we should be looking at fostering stability growth health and their relationship with Christ and each other right um we shouldn't be focusing on why did they get divorced is it legit or because at the point that we're at now when they're remarried we should be looking at their relationship as this is what's important now this is what we need to be focused on now this is what we need to serve now right we need to as a church culture rally around this couple MH to solidify their future to help disciple them to support them to love on them MH because you know it it's just always baffled me how even the mere concept of ministering or [Music] serving a remarried couple a divorced and remarried couple whatever that looks like whether there's kids involved or not a divorced and remarried situation why is it just frowned upon and it almost seems like it's considered impossible you know what I'm saying yeah I I don't know and I I've never been able to understand that because if if if if a brother or sister in Christ is going through it in some other area you know what I mean mhm we're going to Rally around that man or woman and disciple them and pray for them and love on them and encourage them and not leave them alone in the wilderness trying to figure this Christian Journey out by themselves MH but yet if someone's been divorced and remarried it's almost like we slap a Scarlet Letter on them and say oh you're on your own because you're one of those people you know what I'm saying yeah and and I know that there's a lot you I mean if you're listening you can you can hear a lot of angst and and and unsettled emotions coming out and that's part of the reason why I think we waited so long to talk about this is because Andy you and I lived this we did and as you mentioned at the jump it was basically you and me mhm because we were like we might as if we walked into a church building we might as well have had a cowbell hanging around our neck screaming unclean I don't know about that but maybe a little it's it felt like that a lot of times to the point where when we finally found a place of worship that we wanted to call home after visiting there a certain number of consecutive Sundays remember I felt obligated to have a meeting with the pastor and say okay I'm glad that you love The Brady Bunch mhm here's what you're getting if you welcome us into your congregation mhm and and I've done that with three churches mhm and after the third time you looked at me and you were like you know what stop doing that because it doesn't matter what we used to be what matters is who we are now mhm and these people love us for who we are now and what difference does it make how much is it going to make anybody feel better if they know the dirty rotten secrets of our past true is it going is it going to encourage or discourage Ministry knowing you know the X's and O's of why the previous marriage didn't work out you know what I'm saying yeah and you make such a great valid point that regardless of what's happened in the past if you are remarried the expectation the only expectation that is placed on you is that you honor the marriage that you are in for Life mhm just like you were commissioned to do with your previous situation and that's going to make a heck of a lot more sense as we go through these episodes and really unpack this conversation but I think that the number one reason why we wanted to do this series is because I won't speak for you this time Andy for myself I want to be the Beacon of Hope and the voice that I wish existed when I was going through my divorce and our remarriage yeah because they didn't exist right I would agree and if nothing

else if you're listening and you're re you're divorced and remarried or you're listening and you're divorced or you're listening and your your marriage is Rocky right now we aren't here to give you a one-size fits-all remedy to fix the problem we certainly don't want anyone to walk away from this conversation thinking that we're endorsing divorce because we're not right absolutely but what we want you to hear is that whatever happened happened what matters is what you're going to do now moving forward and how much Christ loves you MH how much your identity is in Christ and not what anybody else thinks of you right I mean I like to say that um if you belong to Jesus and you're still breathing he has a purpose for your life amen that'll [Laughter] preach so this first episode in this conversation is more along the lines of an introduction we have a lot of information and insight and counsel and even testimonials of our own that we are going to go through as we trapes through the subject matter of of remarriage in our church culture but I thought that it would probably be profitable for us to get the bad news out of the way as soon as possible what's the bad news well I wanted to look at some numbers and data oh because I it it it's important and and I and I'll explain why after we get through this this set of numbers and data that we have okay but the reality of it is that the majority of marriages in America end up in divorce mhm and depending on which website which school of thought that you research the numbers are going to fluctuate yeah but it's pretty safe to say that everybody can kind of average their estimates that around 40 to 50% of all marriages in the United States and in divorce one out of every two we'll just say half the marriages in America end up in divorce right what's interesting though is that the national Center for Family and marriage research suggests that about 60% of divorced individuals will eventually remarry H now that statistic is kind of baffling to me yeah because if half of married Americans are getting divorced mhm and of that pool of Americans that are now divorced nearly 2 thirds of them are eventually going to remarry here's my question yeah why are they getting remarried H are you asking me I mean I mean it's not a rhetorical question I'm just I'm just curious because because if if if you have suffered through a failed marriage for whatever reason the the marriage failed if you've endured that and and and you've split and you've gone your separate ways whether there's kids involved or not why would nearly 2/3 of those individuals eventually want to try it a second time or even a third time or more it's true that's why that number is staggering to me well yeah and I and you know I have a lot of ideas or or or assumptions as to why that could be possible I have a couple ideas like first of all they probably get lonely well yeah I mean life is a lot more fun to do when you have a partner to do it with yeah but you I mean we're not talking about Christian statistics we're talking about normal this is everyday everyday statistics yeah I mean why would you have to get married to do that exactly right right so if we focus on the church culture aspect ECT of this statistic mhm why would a Christian man or woman who has endured a divorce even consider the possibility of getting remarried well I would say if there were children involved sometimes it's easier to navigate your home life if there's a spouse MH and raising children with a spouse of some sort you know sure so the people that have fallen into that statistic that have children I would imagine that you know they're thinking hey I'd be nice to have a partner to raise this kid with well and truth be told when I met the girls mhm I was like we're totally getting [Laughter] [Music] married I'm just saying cuz the girls are so sweet they're yeah the girls were amazing mhm hm I mean there's there's lots of reasons you know and and maybe that person has healed mhm gone through some counseling uh you know whatever that might be where they've gotten to the place where they're ready to do it again well yeah and I mean if you meet somebody else and you're a Christian and you're like okay well I want to do the right thing then you're going to get married yeah you would think sure yeah considering the fact that a lot of Christians don't believe in fornication right so or living in sin yeah I mean in the Bible says if you're thinking about that kind of stuff you it's better to get remarried or get married better to marry than to burn yeah there you go yeah I knew there was a verse somewhere thank you

Theologian well and it's also interesting that um statistically speaking the time between divorce and remarriage on average divorced individuals tend to wait a few years before entering into a new marriage MH that length of time does vary widely based on individual circumstances right you know like some people get divorced and they're remarried within a year some people get divorced and they're remarried 20 years later yeah it's it's just just depends on the circumstance I guess mhm now here's where it gets really interesting and there's all sorts of different numbers and data revolving around the success rate of remarriages oh and honestly listeners it really depends on the decade to be honest with you and not so not even so much the decade but the generation H because because and and and and I'm going to and I'm going to drift off into the weeds here a little bit because I have a theory about something here but Andy when you and I got married yeah which was almost 13 years ago I knew what the numbers and data said as far as the chances of us successfully staying married for the rest of our lives okay and they weren't pretty oh they were not pretty H because on the one hand while 50% of all marriages in the United States end in divorce second marriages usually have an even higher rate of divorce upwards of 70% oh my gosh and third marriages are between 80 and 90% no yes but here's What's creepy what that second and third marriage number mhm those failed marriages fail within the first year to 2 years okay so when you and I got remarried to say that we were behind the eightball is a huge understatement right now what's fascinating to me is that you fast forward now 13 years later not only have you and I defied all of the odds which we'll get into that on a later episode as to what that looks like but with Millennials their divorce rates even higher than gen xter divorce rates so that's why I said it really depends on the generation that you're talking to you mean the ones that are actually are getting married the ones that are actually getting married that's a whole another story because there's fewer of them getting married and yet that number of 50/50 stay married or get divorced still stands yeah and then on top of all of that you factor in that a lot of Millennials aren't even getting married until they're pushing 40 if they get married at all so there's the numbers and data are all over the place that's true but let's talk about the success rates of remarriages okay Research indicates that SEC as I said that second marriages have a slightly higher divorce rate than first marriages with third marriages having an even higher likelihood of divorce but again we we want to focus on the culture of remarried and Blended families in the church and these numbers and data want to focus on the negative aspect of it m but what about the marriages that don't fail the remarriages that don't fail right the second or third marriages that actually last till de do us part M what's the secret what's the factor in that right that keeps it going strong and that's the conversation that we are going to be mostly focused on in this series of episodes yes having a successful Christian resch because guess what folks what not only have Andy and I defied all of the odds but we are even more crazy in love today than we were the day we walked down the aisle it's true and it isn't because I'm so amazing or she's so amazing although she is is so amazing but it's because Christ is amazing yeah and that is the factor that keeps those second or third or whatever subsequent number of remarriages being the final one is having a foundation on Jesus Christ a Community of Christ followers even if it's just one or two that is the difference mhm because it it and you hear us say this all the time it's always about discipleship it's true the Christian Life is making disciples of Christ M and there are a lot of first marriages that last a lifetime but both people are miserable because Christ is not at the center right they don't have a church that's surrounding them in love and discipleship and I would argue that when two Christian people get married for the second time or the third time or whatever number of time it is and and that's going to be the last one the wise ones know that without Christ those numbers and data are going to stand for themm meaning the lack of success yeah so when I ask the question why would someone who's gone through a divorce want to get remarried I think part of it is that they they want to get it right and they want to do life and and have an abundant life with a partner who is crazy about Jesus just like they are MH and I can't speak for everybody but I know that's what I wanted a and God bless you Andy because you are my part partner and I I say all the time that God Made You specifically for me mhm so we we want to try to focus we we are going to make every attempt that we possibly can to focus on the successes and the wins and the how-tos for remarriage absolutely because remarriage is not a curse remarriage is not a Scarlet Letter remarriage is a part of life whether you're in the church or you're not in the church cuz guess what it's part of our culture and to be honest with you back in Jesus's time mhm men were handing their wives divorces for everything under the Sun so when you hear these numbers and data that I just kind of vomited out spewed yeah that's nothing compared to what it was like in the first century right you know I I don't like like the way my wife's outfit looks today I don't want to be married to her anymore here's a letter of divorce okay done wow you know mhm and I'm not trying to make light of it but the reality is that there is a demographic of people in our churches that are suffering and struggling because they're doing this on their own mhm and I can say that from experience yeah so our goal in this series is to be that Beacon of Hope to be that voice of reason to be that encouragement that we wish existed when we were going through it at the very beginning yeah Amen to that we're going to talk about a lot of really interesting stuff okay um you going to give them a little taste of what we're going to talk about yeah there's going to be five key points that we are going to hammer away at through this series okay the first one is forgiveness and Grace in a Christian marriage the second one is communication with love oh again these are keys to a successful Christian remarriage yeah communication's important yep with love with love got to throw that in there cuz you can communicate all you want with not without love right the third one is having a shared spiritual Foundation mhm mhm I kind of alluded to that a little bit already yeah and the fourth one is prioritizing family unity and that might sound a little paradoxical if that's a word because we're talking about divorce and remarriage where the family has been broken up but when you get remarried there's a new family unit that has been established and it looks different for every remarriage whether there's kids or not there is a new family unit so we're going to talk at length about prioritizing family Unity mhm we call that home team that's right and then the fifth major point that we're going to hit on is to seek professional guidance yeah it's it's it's especially important before marriage during the courting process during your engagement even after marriage that that you're sitting down with somebody to walk you through it on a professional level trust me there's so many things that we learned so many things we're going to talk about toolboxes and tools and conversations and doing the hard stuff we're also going to recommend a book that we have nicknamed the book that causes fights oh man the book that causes fights and the book is called the heart of remarriage and it's it's written by Gary SMY and his son Greg who got divorced and remarried and we nicknamed this book the book that causes fights because we went through it as a couple before we were married and we'll talk more about this experience on a later episode but let's just say that you want to talk about getting real genuine and honest with your partner before you get married this book of force you to do it but the benefits are Eternal that's true that's all I'm going to say about it right now so those are the five main key points that that we are going to hit on in these episodes I don't know how many episodes this is going to take because we got a lot to say that's true but I want to emphasize a couple of key points real quick the first one is when it comes to numbers and data and statistics and all that stuff it's important to note that all of that stuff all of those numbers they can change over time yeah and the numbers can be based on geographic location cultural factors and so many other different variables so we're going to try as best as we can to shy away from generalized numbers and data mhm but the statistics about marriages ending in divorce second marriages and third marriages in America they're pretty consistent across the board no matter where you look for those for those statistics right I mean and that's not to discourage people it's more of a call to the church to step up and help and to support yeah cuz I would like to think that we would want those numbers to go down yeah mhm yeah exactly and the way that they go down is through discipleship in the local church yeah so as a word of encouragement especially if you're listening right now and you are a part of this demographic that we are attempting to serve right now we want you to know that Christian remarriage is a journey that's filled with hope and Redemption mhm because it's two people who love Jesus that are embarking on a new chapter in their lives Guided by their faith mhm so establishing a strong Foundation is crucial for a successful remarriage right and incorporating biblical principles can provide invaluable guidance mhm and that's why we're going to hit on those five key points because we believe that those are five key crucial points that couples should focus on to strengthen their bond and build a lasting relationship amen so we hope that you will go on this journey with us we're going to laugh we're going to cry we're going to be serious we're going to be angry we're going to be frustrated we're going to be all over the map but we're going to be real genuine and honest right we are and above all things we are going to be to the best of our ability encouraging to anyone who is listening that is remarried is about to be remarried or who just simply is looking for some answers on how to strengthen the situation that they're in currently because at the end of the day Churchoscity literally means the quality of being the church and we are striving to be the church to people who need it the most in our church community and this demographic of remarried and Blended families is a major major people group that both Andrea and I have a huge heart for and we want you to know that Number One You're Not Alone number two you do not need to feel ashamed and number three Jesus loves you right where you're at no matter what has happened in the past so we hope that you're prepared to do some heart work to do some head work to do some feelings work

and we also hope that you will want your relationship with Jesus to grow stronger individually and as a couple especially if you are in the demographic of those who are remarried because we love you but what is even greater than that is that Christ loves you amen and that's all we have to say about that thank you for tuning in to the Churchosity podcast don't forget to give us a rating and don't forget to leave us a review on our next episode we're going to begin unpacking forgiveness and Grace as we continue our discussion about remarriage over to you Andy be sure to check out our website Churchosity.com there you can follow us on all the socials become a churchosity patreon or just drop us a message and give us your feedback because we'd really love to hear from you and don't forget to check out our survey and be sure to spread the word about the Churchosity podcast by just simply telling a friend to tell a friend what we're doing here yeah let them be a part of the conversation too but always remember that as it says in 1 Timothy 1:5 that the goal of our instruction Is Love from a pure heart and from a good conscience and a sincere Faith so we thank each and every one of you again for listening and we hope to catch all of you on the next episode of Churchosity podcast

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